Reflecting on Process

Reflecting on Process

2016-06-03 Reflecting on Process

The ability to honestly and quietly reflect on one’s life is one of the most powerful tools for personal growth.

So many clinical terms have surrounded me in the past 9 months.
Intrauterine growth restriction
Fetal demise
Small for gestational age
Fetal thrombotic vasculopathy
Supervision of high-risk pregnancy
Nuchal cord
Fetal demise (again)

The words are splattered all over my chart.  In order to see test results or after visit summaries, I have to wade through all of those words.

I will be older than when everything began.  I was 31 when I was pregnant with Nelle. 32 when I was pregnant with Iris.  33 never seemed old, but now as I look at the spectrum of fertility, it suddenly feels ancient.  Like I do not have enough factors working against me.

As I sat beneath the tree after spreading Iris’s ashes, I felt like I could not do this again. I could not add another set of ashes. I cannot add another inscription to the ring that I wear with my girls’ names. I look at the other rings, with the initials of my boys and feel that I will never add a third.

But I have to try.  We are part of a continuum and I do not know where it ends.