I am trying to avoid things that remind me that I won't be having a baby anymore.

watercolor of a small empty vase on a table with a blue background
Image created via Midjourney

I am trying to avoid things that remind me that I won't be having a baby in January, but it is hard. The baby section at Target, hearing a baby crying, seeing photos of friends' babies — all of these make me ache. I know it won't be that way forever, but for right now, they remind me that I was pregnant, and I'm not anymore.

Today might fall into the category of Most Awkward Haircut Ever. I've been seeing my stylist for years, every 6-7 weeks like clockwork. At my last haircut I was visibly pregnant, and talked to her about expecting my third child, and now I'm visibly not pregnant. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. It was like a giant elephant in the room, but she had the good sense not to say anything either. I just let it hang as a great unknown.

As I picked Quentin up yesterday, his teacher was talking to him about hurting another child (pushed or something). She told him to say sorry and he gave a very exaggerated "SOR-ry" I made him sit in his room upon arriving home. He seemed to really not care, so I talked to him about how it is NOT ok to hurt friends. That did it. His face scrunched up and he began to cry and I recognized the look: remorse.

Theo and I took a walk this morning before the bus, something we had enjoyed earlier this week. I saw the walk through his child's eyes, as my therapist had suggested that I do. "MOMMY! Look - there is a refrigerator at the end of that driveway!" So there is - it is probably broken. He also noted the emerging Fall colors and made the observation that "Every season brings something different."

Yesterday, I received a ring order I had placed on Etsy. I have two small, silver rings on my finger - one with an initial T and one with an initial Q. I was planning on ordering an N when she was born. I didn't think I could add an N and look at it every day, so instead, I ordered a thin silver band from the same artist with a heart stamped on the outside and her name inscribed on the inside. I had to choke back sobs as I put it on, but it is perfect.

A silver ring inscribed with the word NELLE and a heart