pregnancy loss

A collection of 32 posts

pregnancy loss

A Missed Opportunity

Is it worth giving up a potentially uncomfortable moment for so many moments of regret later?

pregnancy loss

It Has Been Seven Years

I write about my pain to let other women know that they're not alone.

sharing my story

Can I Talk About My Babies?

It has gotten easier to talk about pregnancy loss.

Halloween

The Ups and Downs of Halloween

Halloween isn't my favorite holiday but my kids love it.

grief

I Still Cry Sometimes

Crying in my car was a reminder that no matter how much time passes, I always carry grief.

home

Fixing Things

Here I am. Trying to fix things. Trying to move, keep busy, and not let myself think too much.

current events

The Irrational and Rational

It's hard to tell my brain to turn off those irrational fears because they seem rational.

dreams

A Dream I Had

I’ve had dreams in the past where I immediately start sobbing upon hearing the news that my baby had died. Not this time.

COVID-19

Out of Options

It has now been 23 months since our schools first shut down.

birthdays

Bittersweet Moments

The days leading up to Autumn's birthday are always bittersweet for me

COVID-19

Acceptance of the New Normal

I try to stay connected with people, but it isn't the same.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Out With One Month, In With Another

September always seems to be a hard month. It starts out brutal on the 3rd, the day that we found out that Nelle’s heart had stopped beating. Her birthday on the fourth. Replaying those early days over and over, each year passing and remembering those early days of grief.

honoring

A New Permanence

I got my first tattoo five months after losing Iris.  Eight days before her due date.  I wanted to carry an acknowledgment of all of my children.  After perusing photos online of various tributes from parents, I found one and it was perfect: birth dates, done in a square formation

anxiety

For Better or Worse

I can't pretend that nothing is going on

grief

How Sleep Has Changed

Sleep changed forever the day that I found out Nelle had died. Beginning in the hospital, I was unable to fall asleep for more than a few minutes throughout the more than 24-hours of labor. With each of my living babies, I struggled with breastfeeding.  The first three or four

doctors

Sickness Versus Support

I really wanted to attend my SHARE support group last night.  The meetings are bi-monthly and a chance for me to talk with other parents that have experienced pregnancy or infant loss.  When I attended the last meeting, the group was a mixture of parents with very recent losses (even

music

When Memories Bring Tears

Robert Frost said “No tears for the writer, no tears for the reader.” It has been over twenty months since Nelle was born and still, still there moments when I cry because I miss her so much.  I miss her because she was my baby, my child, and she isn’

pregnancy

When Yoga Practice Hurts

I managed to escape the house and go to yoga on Sunday. A full 90 minutes in 105 degree heat. It was a busy morning at the studio. Often overcast days mean yogis run inside to the hot room. A woman had her mat very close to mine: someone I

holidays

An Unease with Mother's Day

Motherhood is complicated.  Mother’s Day is complicated.  Other holidays have all kinds of triggers for those that are grieving.  Christmas can be a time of forced joy when all that’s felt is pain.  Thanksgiving centers around being thankful, when often sentiments are far from that place.  But no

honoring

A Tree for All Seasons

A month after losing Nelle, we scattered her ashes to the coulee where I grew up.  I was still in a dense fog of grief.  It was Ger’s suggestion to bring her to the tree where my grandfather’s ashes had been scattered in 2011.  The Sheltering Oak is

pregnancy loss

Another Name for the Book

Part of seeing a new therapist means rehashing many details of my life, and over the past few years, grief. I saw my previous therapist for two years. During the first session, I had to share with her all of the details of how we lost Nelle. I had a

family

They Were Included

Last April, my sister got married. I was the maid of honor, pregnant, constantly worried that I would lose the baby, as I lost Nelle and Iris in the two pregnancies before. I did the absolute best I could to be present, participate, while carrying fears that something would happen

pregnancy loss

A Shining Star

Theo was Star of the Week in his second grade class. Last Friday he brought home a “questionnaire” including describing favorite foods and family traditions. He also needed to bring in five photos. He set about choosing from the thousands of pictures I have taken. He chose a baby photo,

holidays

When Two Years Have Passed

After taking a few months off, I went to SHARE last night.  I found that while Autumn was still a very young baby, it was too difficult to support other loss parents while simultaneously struggling with having a rainbow baby at home and the emotions that followed the daily ins

family

My Grandmother's Birthday

Today is my grandmother’s birthday.  She is 98 years old.  I realized last night that her birthday is 04/04 and Autumn’s birthday is 08/08.  I love little connections like that. I wanted so much for my grandmother to meet her first great-granddaughter.  I thought of her