I struggle with the unknown “voice” of my baby girls. In this “voice” – how old are they? What do they sound like? Are they talking together or individually?
Finally, I decided to write a conversation. I wrote it as a single voice, but it would reflect both of them. I only wrote their half of the conversation, omitting my own voice.
From Nelle and Iris
I was never your baby.
I say that with the tenderest intention.
Fusion of cells is not enough.
My heart was too weak.
I never fully formed; I spared you further pain.
Wanting is not enough.
Body and spirit have to be in unison,
And there was a disconnect.
I am sorry that you blame yourself.
I see all of the moments when you cry alone.
Your tribute to me is lovely.
Loss does not overpower remembering.
Thank you for the honor.
Thank you for carrying me.
Thank you for bearing me with grace.
Bend into your discomfort.
Evenly distribute the weight among your limbs.
Let your mind be free.
It does not need an explanation in order to move forward.