Another Visit With the Neurosurgeon

I've now had three neurosurgery visits since learning that I have a brain tumor at the end of May. 

During my first consult, the neurosurgeon said that my tumor (a meningioma on my brain stem) was outside of his area of expertise and sent me to a specialist in Chicago. 

For that second consult, I went by myself. Ger didn't go with me. I had just seen the previous neurosurgeon six days earlier. He’d told me about potential outcomes of the surgery and what would be involved. 

I figured there was no new information and no reason for Ger to come. Plus, Autumn had to be picked up from summer camp, and we wanted to keep things as normal for her as possible since we hadn't told her about the tumor yet. So I went alone. 

The neurosurgeon in Chicago is very serious. He sat down and started to talk about the tumor and the potential impacts of surgery. He looked at my hand and noticed the wedding ring on my finger and said, "Where is your husband?" I replied, "Picking up our daughter from camp." And he said, "This is a complex tumor for the next visit, your husband should be with you." 

I know that people say you should have someone with you so that they can also absorb the information and hear things that you don't hear in the moment. As the neurosurgeon talked that day, he went into much more detail than during my first consult with the other surgeon. At that point, I was scared. 

I scheduled another consult with him 15 days before surgery. Ger and I both went. We got to the hospital early, since Chicago traffic can be unpredictable.

We scoped out the floor that had a lot of different restaurants. All really good options. I pointed out to Ger that at least he'll be able to eat well while I'm recovering after surgery — a five-day hospital stay. 

Finally, it was time for the appointment, and the neurosurgeon came in. He repeated a lot of the same information I'd heard just a few weeks prior. I came prepared this time with a list of questions, most of which he answered naturally during the course of the discussion. What are the risks? What's the potential recovery time?

Ger started breathing heavily. The neurosurgeon asked if he was okay, saying dryly that it had been a while since he’d done CPR and asked if Ger needed to lie down. It's a lot to absorb. 

The neurosurgeon commented that I was brave for coming by myself for the first visit. I'm not brave. I'm just intensely pragmatic. And what made sense, practically, was for Ger to pick up Autumn from camp and for me to go to the appointment by myself. 

But over the course of the next several weeks and months, post-surgery, I may not be able to be pragmatic. There are some things that I may not be able to do for myself, no matter how much I've planned in advance. I have to trust other people to help me. 

And I have to let myself give in to the emotional side of having a brain tumor, in addition to the practical side of recovery. I'm trying not to think too much about the emotional side right now because I have no way of knowing what the outcome will be. Neither does the neurosurgeon. He can only tell me potential risks and probabilities. But it's my unique tumor, it's my unique body, and my unique brain.

One thing the neurosurgeon commented on was that it’s remarkable that I have no neurological symptoms, given the size and location of the tumor. I hope that bodes well for the post-surgery outcome.

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Musings Out LoudAnna Burgess Yang