How I Tell People That I Have a Brain Tumor
The words I use.
When I tell people that I have a brain tumor,, the words I use depend on who I’m talking to.
For example, I’m self-employed and had to tell all of my clients. A few times, I wrote, “These aren’t the words I ever expected to type, but I have a brain tumor.”
A few times, I was more formal and wrote, “I wanted to let you know about my upcoming availability. Very candidly, I have a brain tumor.” If I didn’t know someone all that well, it felt a little personal to share something like this. But also, I wanted to give context for why I wasn’t going to be available for so long.
To my family, I wrote, “Well, I’m not going to bury the lede. I have a brain tumor.”
I was texting friends while I was waiting in the ER for more than six hours to get an MRI and diagnosis. And there was no good way to start a text message other than to say, “So, I have a brain tumor…”
With people I don’t know at all, I simply say surgery. Sometimes, they’ll respond, “Oh no! I hope it’s not serious.” And then I reply, “Well, kinda. I’m having brain surgery.”
I’ve been writing online for years, so in public announcements I wrote, “You know how you sometimes Google symptoms of a brain tumor just to assure yourself that you do, not, in fact, have a brain tumor? Well, sometimes it IS a brain tumor. And that’s what I have.”
In reality, I have Googled “brain tumor symptoms” before, including the symptoms for this brain tumor – which is just pressure at the back of my head, lasting only a few seconds. Google thought it was dehydration.
I’ve probably Googled “brain tumor” many times over the years. Never actually thinking that I had a brain tumor. I had none of the other symptoms, like lingering headaches, nausea, or falling down.
It’s also weird to say, “I have a brain tumor.” Externally, this is brand new information, but I’ve had this thing for probably ten years. I’ve navigated so many of life’s moments with a brain tumor, like the birth of my children, and had no idea.
So, how do you talk about a brain tumor when you live a lot of your life online? The choices are basically to 1) say something, 2) say something and gloss over it, or 3) disappear from the internet with no explanation.
To me, saying something generic like, “I have a medical issue” wasn’t enough. I’ve lived my life online for many years and part of the reason for writing and sharing is so people don’t feel alone. Which, ironically, is how I feel right now.
Other people have gone through brain tumors and surgery. Some people have reached out to me. The people who are able to talk about their experiences are the people who came through and were fine after their recovery period. The people who aren’t fine, I can’t find, because they might be very not fine.
Plus, any conversation feels parallel to my experience, rather than an intersection. Every tumor is unique. Someone else’s outcome will not be my outcome.
Anna Burgess Yang