I Don't Feel Like Myself

Will I ever feel normal again?

Image created via Midjourney

I'm 9 weeks post-surgery to remove my brain tumor. The other day I wondered, "Will I ever feel like myself again?"

I work in short spurts and take a break because otherwise I'm too tired and might get a headache. By early evening, the side of my head and face feel weird - kind of a combination of numb and swollen. Imagine running 10 miles and how your feet might feel at the end of strenuous activity, except it's your face instead.

I still have double vision, so I rotate between glasses (with one lens covered) and an eye patch during the day. Depends on how tired I am and how intently I have to stare at the screen or whatever I'm doing. I still can't drive.

My neck occasionally hurts or itches at the incision area behind my left ear.

Typing is so weird because the index finger on my right hand is numb. That wasn't as noticeable for the weeks while I was recovering because I was mostly using my phone and typing with my thumbs. Now that I'm back at the computer, it's annoying every time my hands touch the keyboard.

And I have no idea how long things will last.

I've continued taking weekly selfies to give myself some perspective. My left dimple is starting to reappear in my cheek (though right now it looks like a crease). My left eye seems to be able to focus on the camera a bit more.

Last week, I was chatting with someone and she reminded me that 8 weeks after giving birth, NO ONE would have expected me to be myself. Even if people go back to work, they're understandably exhausted and out of sorts from the havoc that pregnancy and childbirth wreak on the body.

I seem to forget that a surgeon cut into my skull to remove a 4cm tumor. Other than the physical side effects on my face, I move around like normal and talk like normal. So it's easy to forget that my brain went through a major trauma. I need to be kinder to myself.