Headache? Or Brain Tumor?

Is it a headache or is it a brain tumor?

That was actually a question I used to ask myself. Back when I thought there's no way that's a brain tumor.

This whole thing started because I had some pressure at the back of my head. That's a surprisingly difficult thing to Google because it would just last a few seconds when I sat upright first thing in the morning. I could only describe it as a "rush of blood to the head." And it would go away.

Every once in a while, it would happen during the day, but most of the time, not. So it wasn't something I was overly concerned about, and I let it go on for months before making an appointment with my primary care provider.

In some ways, I even felt silly. Like my primary care provider would tell me to "That's a normal part of getting older. Take this vitamin." Doctor Google told me to drink more water.

But that was the impetus for this whole thing. Going in for a normal appointment. Getting some blood work; all normal. And a head CT that showed the mass, which I now know is a brain tumor.

Part of the testing I had done ahead of my second neurosurgery consult was with an audiologist and a neuro-ophthalmologist. To make sure that I wasn't experiencing any symptoms that I wasn't aware of. Both of those tests came back fine. I have mild hearing loss, but that's a normal part of growing older. (Unlike pressure at the base of your skull, apparently.)

But now I wonder about every little thing. Every twinge, I think, "Is that my brain tumor?"

Right now, I have eye strain. Which I've had before. I spend a ton of time in front of a screen. I have blue light filter glasses, and I don't wear them consistently.

I've had this exact same eye strain many times since I started freelancing a few years ago. Usually lasts a couple of days. I stay in darkness. I wear my glasses instead of my contact lenses. Give my eyes a rest, and I'm all back to normal.

But now I wonder, "Is that normal? Or was that the brain tumor?" Who knows. It makes me question everything. Every little ache in my body I wonder, "Is my brain tumor pushing on something?" It's a little unnerving.

A friend of mine pragmatically asked, "If you didn't know you had a brain tumor would you even think twice about this?" And I admit, "No, I wouldn't." All these little things are a normal part of existing in a human body.

But once my brain tumor is evicted, I won't have to have this fear anymore. I can know, "It's not a brain tumor. It's something to worry about." Although with brain tumors, I'll have follow-up MRIs, probably in perpetuity, to make sure it's not growing back.

But still, knowing there's not something growing in my head will be a lot different than what I'm experiencing right now. It's a weird in-between. This is a slow-growing tumor, so something I've had for 10+ years. Every day, I look at my "On This Day" photos on Facebook, and I think, "I had a brain tumor in that photo."

53 days. That's how many days between my ER visit and my brain surgery. How many days I have to exist, knowing I have a brain tumor.