I Just Move On

Having a plan and then abandoning the plan sucks.

abstract watercolor illustration of the silhouettes of a few birds flying over a barren field
Image created via Midjourney

You know what sucks?  

Falling asleep, into one of the deepest sleeps you've had in a long time, and waking up to find that it is only 2 hours later. And then not being able to fall back asleep.

You know what else sucks? Moving on.

I planned for a baby. Then I planned for another baby. Now, in this place of stagnation, I can no longer plan. Because I no longer believe it will happen.

This belief comes to a head in small ways. I have a framed canvas painting of The Little Prince.  My sister painted it a long time ago. I had it in the boys' room, and then had set it aside to put in the nursery.  It has been in my closet, waiting for its new home on the baby's walls.

But I no longer am sure that will ever happen, and I do not want the picture to continue to be in storage. I thought it would look nice against my newly-painted blue basement accent wall.  So I moved on.

I used to have in my budget the anticipated increased childcare expense later this year.  I don't have it planned anymore.

Do I keep the toys that my kids have far outgrown, in anticipation that I might need them again someday?  I can't decide. I can't move on.

I tucked away another set of outgrown clothes into the tote labeled with the size. How long do I keep these?  I can't move on.

The room that was supposed to be the nursery keeps evolving into a more functional space in our home with a different purpose.  I cannot keep reserving it for the future. There are reminders tucked away in the corners of the day.  I move on and can't move on.

Having a plan and then abandoning the plan sucks.

While truckin' down the road of life
Although all hope seems gone
I just move on
When I can't find a single star
To hang my wish upon
I just move on.
-from 'Chicago'
She was part of my life for 21 weeks.
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