Not Perfect

“I am not perfect.  I am much stronger than that.”  -Rune Lazuli

I wanted it to be over.  I waked into that 8 week, 4 day ultrasound and wished that a heartbeat would not be seen.

I thought I could do this.  I thought that I would have the strength to go through this one more time.  But I am kept awake at night by new nightmares of things to come: the unknown.  My days are a miserable tortoise race to the next appointment, the next milestone.  And I was disappointed with myself, because we had been through the pros and cons ad nauseum, and decided to give it one more shot.  Now here I am, barely two months in, and wishing it was over.  Wondering how I will survive.  Turns out, I’m not strong enough.

While I wiped away my tears, the OBGYN said to me “Then why did you do it, honey?”  Because.  Because I had to know.  I had to know if this last time, we could tip fortune in our favor.

It wasn’t until she started the ultrasound that I stopped breathing and realized how desperately I wanted to see the heartbeat again.  I didn’t want it to be over yet.  And there it was.  A solid heartbeat, and movement, and “cautious optimism” as the doctor put it.

She left the exam room with the only instruction that I take care of myself.