“I am not perfect. I am much stronger than that.” -Rune Lazuli
I wanted it to be over. I waked into that 8 week, 4 day ultrasound and wished that a heartbeat would not be seen.
I thought I could do this. I thought that I would have the strength to go through this one more time. But I am kept awake at night by new nightmares of things to come: the unknown. My days are a miserable tortoise race to the next appointment, the next milestone. And I was disappointed with myself, because we had been through the pros and cons ad nauseum, and decided to give it one more shot. Now here I am, barely two months in, and wishing it was over. Wondering how I will survive. Turns out, I’m not strong enough.
While I wiped away my tears, the OBGYN said to me “Then why did you do it, honey?” Because. Because I had to know. I had to know if this last time, we could tip fortune in our favor.
It wasn’t until she started the ultrasound that I stopped breathing and realized how desperately I wanted to see the heartbeat again. I didn’t want it to be over yet. And there it was. A solid heartbeat, and movement, and “cautious optimism” as the doctor put it.
She left the exam room with the only instruction that I take care of myself.