I always pause to reflect and write on the close of the year. I used to set goals for myself, resolutions, and then look back and year and and see how I did. Headed into 2016 and 2017, I had only one thought: to have a healthy pregnancy and bring a baby home. It was inconceivable to me in 2016 that I would lose Iris, after having lost Nelle only a few months before, but there it was and I headed into another year with the same, singular thought in 2017. It occurred to me that I would have had a similar thought headed into 2015, thinking about becoming pregnant that year. It never occurred to me back then that I needed to specify “and have a healthy pregnancy and actually bring my baby home.”I thought about what I should set as a personal goal for 2018. I have my baby. I am dealing with grief in the best way that I can. I thought about telling myself to “be less afraid” in my parenting of Autumn: to tell myself that nothing bad will happen and nothing is wrong. But that is neither realistic, nor fair. I cannot prevent bad things from happening. And that is also saying that my fears are unjustified, or irrational, or a shortcoming, and with what I’ve been though, they’re not.
I can tell myself to be less afraid with sharing. I have started down that path in 2017, with trying to share my writing more openly, and I can continue to do so. I can try to answer more honestly when asking the “hard questions” like “How many children do you have?” or when faced with other uncomfortable conversations: that has been a goal of mine in spreading awareness.
May 2018 be a year of peace. May I find some peace after experiencing heartache, grief, and anxiety for the past several years. May I allow myself peace amidst some of the demons I have been wrestling inwardly: guilt, anger, mistakes, among others. May my little baby bring my heart some peace. May the world see a measure of more peace this year than the last. Each year feels like we have seen the worst of humanity, and each year proves to be unfathomable. May people who are suffering find even an ounce of peace to make their journeys lighter.
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.