pregnancy

A collection of 35 posts

milestones

Learning Not to Turn Away

Pregnancy isn't something I can avoid forever.

pregnancy

Triggers, Loud and Soft

Last week, I attended a Share meeting.  I found myself the “furthest out” in the room: the most time had passed since my loss.  Now heading toward three years ago this September since Nelle was born.  I was that voice from the “other side”: somehow survived.  The days are not

pregnancy

When Yoga Practice Hurts

I managed to escape the house and go to yoga on Sunday. A full 90 minutes in 105-degree heat. It was a busy morning at the studio. Overcast days often mean yogis run inside to the hot room. A woman had her mat very close to mine, someone I recognized

Baby Three

Rebirth

And just like that, she was born.

pregnancy

Hope in Becoming

So anxious.

pregnancy

Life Decision

“Mommy is this our last baby?” Yes, this is our last baby, I responded to Quentin.  “But what if this baby dies?” Then it will just be you and Theo.  “And then we would be really sad?” I have unintentionally drawn a line between my pregnancies. I noticed it when

pregnancy

Get Up From The Table

You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served. -Nina Simone There is a difference between the physical act of listening and the active experience of hearing. I write, so that people may listen. Listen to my pain, listen to my fear,

anxiety

Beautiful and Terrible

Somewhere out in the darkness, a phoenix was singing in a way Harry had never heard before: a stricken lament of terrible beauty. And Harry felt, as he had felt about phoenix song before, that the music was inside him, not without: It was his own grief turned magically to

appointments

Carry The Belief

Use the belief others have in you until you are strong enough to carry that same belief in yourself. Last night, I said to Ger “I’m doing ok.”  Then I woke up shortly before midnight, drenched in sweat, and realized “I’m really not ok.”  It is now five

honoring

The Gifts

After losing my baby girl, a friend sent me a gift. It was a shawl, knit by a member of her church. I tried to wrap myself in it several times, but I just couldn’t. It hurt too much. The shawl sat in my closet, neatly folded, all these

honoring

Describe After

Anne Lamott often recounts words that a priest said to her once: “Sometimes Heaven is just a new pair of glasses.” A change in perspective. How many words and phrases flow easily from the lips of our culture when it comes to death and dying? All of which are fairly

anxiety

Leave Them There

You have to meet people where they are, and sometimes, you have to leave them there. -Iyanla Vanzant We talk, about what it will be like “After.”  After this baby is born. Ger has said a few times that he is ready to get back to “normal.”  I know the

anxiety

How I Feel About the Remaining Weeks

I always wake up at least an hour before everyone else in this house. The other day, I was in the shower and just cried and cried.  Missed my other babies so much and thought about everything I have been robbed.  I stood in the silence of the morning, with

marriage

That One Night

The kids have been in Arizona since Tuesday. At the time we planned for my parents to take them for a few days, it seemed like it would be a welcomed reprieve: late in pregnancy, days without early-morning wake-up calls, no swimming lessons or taekwondo, quiet evenings. Since they left

pregnancy

Hard to Shift

… the past is so hard to shift. It comes with us like a chaperone, standing between us and the newness of the present – the new chance. -Jeanette Winterson Ger asked me the other night if we could just pretend that everything will be fine.  I swallowed and said sure. Certain

pregnancy

No Longer a Child

I always refer to this as my fifth pregnancy. Even on Father’s Day I thought the words “The father of all five of my children. Two at home, two we lost, and one still growing.”  Ger and I were taking last night and he said “Our five children.”  But

pregnancy

Two Prayers

In the early weeks and months, I prayed for this pregnancy to make it. I don’t really believe in praying to God for what I want, because it seems too self-serving.  If my prayers are answered, does that make me worthy?  If my prayers are not answered, does that

appointments

Crazy That Way

My obsession over every little detail regarding this pregnancy culminates when I have to go to my doctor appointments.  Today was no different with my regular OBGYN visit.  With Theo, I was the regular amount of first-time-mom nervous.  With Quentin, the appointments were boring and the definition of routine.  I

pregnancy

Up on the Roof

When this old world starts getting me down And people are just too much for me to face (Up on the roof) I climb way up to the top of the stairs And all my cares just drift right into space (Up on the roof) On the roof, it’s

appointments

The Current Normal

“Give me silence, water, hope Give me struggle, iron, volcanoes.” ― Pablo Neruda My pregnancies with Theo and Quentin were the definition of normal, save for the c-sections at the end. Morning sickness. Aches. Weight gain. I ate what I was supposed to eat and took walks for exercise. I grumbled

pregnancy

Back to Myself

I have always hated pregnancy. I know women who gush over the forty weeks as a “magical” time. Not me. It was forty weeks of suffering, but then at the end, I was handed a baby for my troubles. Until I wasn’t. I’m counting down days, even though

pregnancy

People Who Have Cracked

“When you are feeling down, not good enough, or like a complete failure, remember this…. the light will only shine through people who have cracked.”  -@beachyogagirl (via Instagram) I debated not going to the SHARE meeting last night, the support group for people who have lost a baby. I’

outings

Broken Clock

The clock broke for us. Time has been standing still since May of 2015. I first learned that I was pregnant with Nelle early that month. I remember taking the test in the early morning darkness before everyone was awake. I chose to let Ger keep sleeping until about 6:

appointments

Don't Ignore Changes

“You can sit quietly, and if what comes up in that 10 minutes is terrifying, gripping knowing, give yourself permission to do nothing about it for awhile. But don’t pretend you don’t know it. You owe yourself at least that: not to abandon truth, not to abandon yourself.

family

Facing Fears

“Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it.” —Bear Grylls A day of happiness for others is often intermingled with grief for me. So it was for my sister’s wedding. I had a lot of anxiety about