Being a Mother
Thoughts on Mother's Day
Last year for Mother's Day, I was in Spain. When I'd planned the trip, I didn't realize that it was Mother's Day.
A mere 2.5 weeks later, I found out that I had a brain tumor.
Then it was six weeks of waiting (torture), brain surgery, and recovery. I didn't start to really feel like myself again until November. I still couldn't drive until January, when I got new glasses to correct my double vision.
Mother's Day hits so differently this year. I've had complicated feelings with this holiday for more than a decade, always thinking about Nelle and Iris and how they're not here.
But this year, I'm thinking about: what if I weren't here?
When I was thinking about brain surgery outcomes, I was thinking about my kids and the impact on their lives. I thought about myself, sure. But I'm an adult and capable of handling things. Kids are still figuring it all out.
My middle child, in particular, struggled with the weeks leading up to surgery and the time after. I'm his emotional support person, and he needs me in a way that's different than the other two kids. My youngest couldn't really foresee the outcomes of surgery. My oldest is wise far beyond their years, and handled everything with a steady "keep going" mentality.
My oldest is looking for a summer job, and did some practice job interviews at school. One of the questions is, "Tell me about a time you dealt with something hard." Their response? My brain surgery.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about the impact of the brain tumor on my life. Even though I'm mostly functioning normally, I feel the differences in my facial muscles, the back of my skull, and how my left eye moves. It's a constant reminder that even though I made it through, relatively unscathed, it still happened. It was a significant life event.
Anna Burgess Yang