I can feel myself shifting a bit. The past week was busy, leaving me less time to dwell too much on the moments of the past five weeks. I was able to enjoy my time with my family and my friends. I still had a few moments of profound sadness or overwhelming grief, particularly if hit by a “trigger” but those moments are starting to have more distance between them. I noticed tonight as I emerged from my bath that I no longer have that horrible weighted feeling that I have been carrying around.
We were visited this weekend by a dear friend and her husband. I had to think back to how long I have known her: 16 years. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding; and I was supposed to be the same for her but my due date with Theo was just two weeks before her wedding so I had to back out without knowing exactly what the situation would be at the time (though I was still able to attend). The number of times I can see her are separated by physical distance but it was so very good to see her and to talk. We went to the zoo yesterday and it was perfect weather to be outside for hours. Talking with her in the evening was like no time had passed and she reminded me how friends can be a true rock of support for each other.
Today was Indigenous Peoples’ Day (I hate Columbus Day). No school for Theo, and no day care for Quentin. We went to the Field Museum with a friend and her son who also had no school. Spent hours walking (or running, in the case of the kids) around the exhibits. Overall this week I found that I can talk more easily – that my thoughts are not constantly around what happened and I can venture into other topics.
At the same time, I had several people reach out to me this week – to say that they were thinking of me, or wanted to say how sorry they were. I wanted to say “Yes – thank you! I still need that.” I still struggle with the words “moving on” because it feels like “forgetting” and that’s not right. What happened is now part of the definition of who I am and I have to figure out how it defines me.
I think for the first time five weeks, I was able to fall asleep for a nap after returning from the museum and feel refreshed instead of groggy or pained. I went in and peeked at my little guy tonight. Two big weekend activities yesterday and today had a similar effect on him and he made a quick escape into dreamland.