Reflections On My Daughter's Birthday
Celebrating my rainbow baby.
My rainbow baby turned nine years old.
"Halfway to launch" a friend of mine used to call it, if you assume that launch is at 18 years old. Maybe it's not realistic to assume that a child would be done being a child at 18. But numbers-wise, it does seem like a very real possibility that she might be halfway through her time living at home.
In years past, I've always thought about Nell and Iris on her birthday. How my rainbow baby is here because they are not. But this year I'm thinking back to last year, a mere two weeks after my brain surgery. I so desperately wanted to be released from the hospital in time to be home for her birthday. Even though it would be hard. But I just couldn't imagine not being there for her special day.
I only got to see my kids once during my time in the hospital. We talked on the phone several times, but they weren't allowed to see me in my actual hospital room, and I was there for nine days. So I went nine days without seeing them, and then another day once I transferred over to the rehab facility where they were allowed to visit.
Once they were finally able to visit, I think seeing me scared them. Even though I tried to put on a half-smile (which was all I could manage), I felt terrible and was still in a lot of pain a lot of the time. I felt gross being stuck in hospital garb all day and had lost a lot of weight.
When I checked into the rehab facility, I told the doctors that I really wanted to be home for my daughter's birthday. All they could say was, "We'll see." But after a few days of evaluation, they told me that this was going to be possible. In fact, I ended up going home a few days before her birthday.
On top of everything, we didn't really do a party or anything for her. Instead, we went to see the traveling Broadway production of Beauty and the Beast the weekend before my surgery. I knew at the time that a party wasn't possible and told her that the show was going to be the substitute.
My parents were taking care of the kids while I was in the hospital, and they bought a whole bunch of Taylor Swift decorations for our house and put up balloons for her. We had a cake. But my ability to eat when I got home was really limited. Plus, I was tired all the time. But I was home, and that was really all I could ask for.
The past 6+ weeks or so have been a lot of memories. I’ve been thinking back to those weeks in the hospital. I was so grateful that things weren't worse and that I had the outcome that I had. But also, it was incredibly difficult for the weeks leading up to surgery, and I was under so much stress. Summer was a blur, whereas this summer has been normal.
Today, still, not a day goes by that I don't think about it, because I can physically feel the difference in my face muscles. So it's always a reminder.
I said goodnight to my kids last night. They all piled onto my bed, like they always do, with big grins on their faces. For them, that whole ordeal is now just a blip. Not something they have to think about.
Anna Burgess Yang