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Musings Out Loud

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A collection of 20 posts

When We Were Young

When We Were Young

“I woke up as the sun was reddening; and that was the one distinct time in my life, the strangest moment of all, when I didn’t know who I was – I was far away from home…. I wasn’t scared; I was just somebody else, some stranger, and my

It's Never Just Valentine's Day

It's Never Just Valentine's Day

In the passing of years since my daughters died, I have become more prepared for the “hard days” – the hardest being their birthdays. Nelle’s birthday was Labor Day weekend that particular year, so it ushers in multiple days of grief in the subsequent years. And Iris’s birthday is

The Language About What Happened

labor and delivery

The Language About What Happened

In marriage therapy this week, Ger and I were talking about a confluence of events that started in 2016. To describe the precipitating event, Ger said “It began after she had… her medical issues.” He made a gesture with his hand to imply “you know what I’m talking about.

Dreaming About a House

For many months - perhaps even a year - I have had the same dream. I am in a house, either our current home, or the house I grew up in, or some other familiar place. In the dream, I discover some type of secret “new room.” Perhaps it was

Ninety Minutes for Me

Ninety Minutes for Me

This week has been absolutely nutty. Make that last week and this week — or perhaps every day since Friday the 13th when it was also an impending full moon. That’s it. Work has been a combination of Friday the 13th, the Full Moon, and toss in Groundhog Day, for

watercolor a spiral

Recognizing That Reaction

I would like to think that I acted at the right moment, in the right way — but who knows.

Reliving a Moment

Reliving a Moment

The other night, Ger and I were lounging around after watching a not-so-good movie. It ended with a predictable “boy and girl get back together and decide to get married” moment. We both thought it would have been much more interesting if the girl had walked away from the relationship,

Planning for the Future

Several years ago, Ger and I sat down and did some planning for the future. Separately, we wrote out our various short- and long-term goals and then compared our lists. I don’t have a hard copy of what I wrote down, but I am fairly certain that one of

Reclaiming the Morning

Reclaiming the Morning

My husband and I have a long-standing arrangement on weekends. On Saturday morning, he sleeps in and I wrangle all of the kids. Up with Autumn around 6:00, breakfast for the older kids when they wander into the kitchen around 6:45… usually pancakes or waffles. By 8:00,

Those Dates, All Over Again

The day. January 14th. My wedding anniversary. This year, thirteen – lucky thirteen. While searching this morning for a quote to commemorate the day, I tripped across the following: A strong marriage rarely has two strong people at the same time. It is a husband and wife who take turns being

A Difference in Perception

When talking last weekend about our Door County vacation, Ger said “That was a great vacation. I really enjoyed myself.” I blinked and said “Really? What parts did you enjoy?” He began to rattle things off: seeing a new place, seeing how much fun the kids had, all of the

Practicing Gratitude in Many Ways

I began seeing a therapist, Alexia, five days after Nelle was stillborn. I remember making the phone call to a counseling services group that had been recommended to me and when asked for the reason for wanting the appointment I had to say the words out loud “Because… because my

In Honor of a Father

This past weekend was Father’s Day. Celebration, reflection, and sometimes hard. I cannot make it through Mother’s Day without thinking about the two babies that we lost. How can I not, when their birthdays are tattooed on my back, an ever-present reminder that I have five children? I

For Better or Worse

Before I was discharged from the hospital after delivering Iris, I asked the doctor to write me a prescription for an anti-depressant. I knew that losing two babies inside of six months could send me into a dark place. When placed on a six-month holding pattern before trying for a

2.5 Years of Marriage Later

In 2015, we were in a really good place. Steady in our jobs, happy and healthy kids (who were also no longer in diapers…), ready to grow our family. On Mother’s Day of that year, I announced to my mom that we were expecting our third baby. Then in

That One Night

The kids have been in Arizona since Tuesday. At the time we planned for my parents to take them for a few days, it seemed like it would be a welcomed reprieve: late in pregnancy, days without early-morning wake-up calls, no swimming lessons or taekwondo, quiet evenings. Since they left

What Could Go Right

What Could Go Right

Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and start being positive about what could go right. Easier said than done. Ger finally told me that he feels positive about the outcome of this pregnancy. 27 weeks, pretty good place to be. I asked him if he thinks I will

Uprooted

I have written thousands of words about how my losses have affected me. About the work I have done to try to heal myself, as much as possible. I’ve written about self-loathing, therapy, yoga, friends, and coping – or lack thereof. I have written very little about the impacts on

Carry On, Warrior

Carry On, Warrior

Ger said to me last week “I’m worried about you.” I paused, and then replied “Have I done anything that causes you to worry? Because I thought I had been doing really well lately.” He acknowledged that it was a valid question. The source of his worry was that

Betrayal

Over the past several months, people have said things to me in the realm of “you’re so strong” or “you are handling this so well” or “you have inspired me.” Most of the time I feel undeserving, bandaged together by medication and therapy, hardly like I am handling this