milestones - Musings Out Loud

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milestones

A collection of 17 posts

watercolor a slice of strawberry shortcake on a blue plate

Five Years

My guilt became overwhelming. My daughter deserved a party and I blew it.

Watercolor a bicycle leaning against a brick building

What I Failed to Teach

I had failed to teach my son a basic life skill.

watercolor a double rainbow over a pond

And Now Two

Always an unwelcome "what-if" and a reminder that I can grieve and cherish at the same time.

Learning Not to Turn Away

Turn turn away From the weight of your own past It’s magic for the devil And betray the lack of change Once you have spoken Turn away -Beck It has become an almost automatic reaction. See a pregnancy announcement – usually accompanied by photos – flinch, hide the announcement. If the

The Day That Should Be Hers

The day crept up. Stealth-like. Amid fatigue, snow days, and household winter illnesses, I looked at the calendar and realized that it was February 12th. The day that we found out that Iris had no heartbeat. After 14 hours of labor, she was born on February 13th at 7:42

Getting Bigger

Last night, I took a bath with Autumn. She has been sick lately, and we had noticed that she seemed skinnier from not having much of an appetite, but last night her little belly was the roundness I would expect from a toddler. She happily splashed and wanted me to

Those Dates, All Over Again

The day. January 14th. My wedding anniversary. This year, thirteen – lucky thirteen. While searching this morning for a quote to commemorate the day, I tripped across the following: A strong marriage rarely has two strong people at the same time. It is a husband and wife who take turns being

Fifth Child Thoughts and Moments

After starting physical therapy a few weeks ago, Autumn switched from afternoon appointments to morning appointments. Arriving for an afternoon appointment after a long day at day care meant that she was often exhausted, crabby. Morning seemed to be a much better fit for her rhythm. But it meant that

Reliving a Year

I have had a pit in my stomach over the past few weeks. I finally realized that I was reliving a lot of the anxiety I felt in the days leading up to her birth: a gnawing fear that something would happen. This time, I feared that she would never

Planning a Party

After learning that I was pregnant with Nelle, I created a “secret board” on Pinterest called Baby Girl. I added photos of nursery designs, parenting ninja moves I wanted to try “this time around,” baby gear I knew I would need – a wide assortment associated with the excitement of planning

The Moments I Missed

The other morning, I was playing with Autumn on the floor. She had a toy where you push a button, or turn a knob, and an animal pops up. It was a new toy, and she was trying to work through how to make each of the animals appear. I

Her Birthday

I had it all planned out. I knew that I would be meeting some people for the first time today, in a professional context, and when asked “How many children do you have?” I would answer honestly, the way that I always answer in my head. “I have five children.

No More Zero-to-Three

For the last time, I have packed away zero-to-three-month baby clothes. When I packed away Theo’s clothing, it was with a lot of eagerness. My baby boy was growing! On to the next stage! With Quentin, I thought nothing of it. There were no immediate plans for a third

Birthday Thoughts

Another year, another birthday. This is the first year where I have really felt my age: now 34. My 20s brought a lot of changes in our lives and then early 30s was just adding a number to the year, but I have become increasingly aware of my age. I

Surrender to Fears

I was holding my baby last night with quite a bit of wonder at how light she is. Carrying her around during the day, I can tell that she weighs more than when she was born, but last night her 9 lbs, 1 oz felt like nothing. She weighs less

What I Heard for a Few Minutes

What I Heard for a Few Minutes

Last night, I listened for Baby’s heartbeat with my monitor. And it was my worst fear: I couldn’t find it quickly. I dragged the monitor around, slowly. I thought I caught it for a fleeting moment, but that wasn’t good enough for me. I re-lathered myself up

Birthday Weekend

I will readily admit that this weekend has been rough for me, emotionally. Maybe since when we originally made our plans for the weekend, I was expecting to be 6 months pregnant and wondered at the time if I’d have the energy. Maybe because Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day