Ten Years Later
A lack of emotion.
September 4th marks ten years since Nelle was born.
It was kind of a frantic day. We always get a cake, but Ger was busy all day with work and I can't drive yet. I ordered a cake from Whole Foods for delivery, and added some other items we needed to round out a grocery order.
Got an email later: "Your order is out for delivery! 1 item was out of stock." Of course it was the cake.
Our family had appointments at 4:30 pm to get the updated Covid vaccine. Under new CDC "guidance" I wasn't sure how long vaccines would be available, or how easy they'd be to get, so I had grabbed the first available appointments at Walgreens.
The same pharmacist has been there for years. He's bald and has some scars on his head. One of his eyes doesn't fully focus behind his glasses. He asked if I was feeling ok (standard question) and I said, "As well as I can be, six weeks after brain surgery."
He told me that he'd had three brain surgeries. It hadn't even occurred to me that the surgeries would be the source of his scars and eye issue, even as I sat there with a scar on my neck and a patch over my eye. He told me (as everyone has) that recovery is slow.
After we left Walgreens, we still had no cake. So Ger dropped us off at home and made an emergency trip to Whole Foods to pick up one. It was a late dinner and late dessert, but we did it.
This year, I felt deprived of my emotions. I felt the same way when our cat died last week. I think in an alternate universe – one without a brain tumor – I would have been sobbing. But my left eye can't even cry properly. And I'm so exhausted all the time. It's like I have no energy for my emotions.
Anna Burgess Yang