Silence on my walks is not good for me.
When I saw my therapist today I had to rehash with her how hard it was for me to go to the OB/GYN last week. She and I also talked about various scenarios that are going to crop up in upcoming months where I might have to have a conversation with people and talk about what happened — with people I see infrequently and whatnot.
Very ironically, later that afternoon, my chiropractor's office called. I had been receiving prenatal adjustments. I hadn't missed any appointments but just stopped scheduling. I had a voicemail yesterday that I ignored, hoping that would be the end of it, but there was a follow-up phone call today. I returned the call to the office and had to say to the receptionist, my voice cracking, "Please stop calling me — I was there for prenatal adjustments and I lost my baby." It was so hard to say.
And I know there will be other instances like that. I can even think of at work how a few customers were aware that I was pregnant, because I have many long-term projects and some were going to be affected by my maternity leave. I haven't had those conversations yet... "Well, I was going to be unavailable. Now that's no longer the case."
Having to make that phone call this afternoon sent me into a tailspin of fresh grief. So I took a walk. I ended up walking about 2.5 miles. I had found with previous walks that the silence was not good for me — it let my mind wander too much. Instead, today I started by listening to a podcast. However, I couldn't find my headphones so I was just playing through my iPhone speakers and the wind made it too hard to hear. I changed it over to music, listening to 2Cellos.
It has been hard for me to even get out of a music rut. I have been listening to the same playlist (sometimes the same songs) over and over on repeat for the past few weeks, basking in the familiarity. So listening to the 2Cellos playlist (something new) was a breakthrough for me.
I've found comfort in Ingrid Michaelson's song "Girls Chase Boys." It might seem like an odd choice, but it is upbeat (translation = not depressing). The message of the song (made more obvious by the music video) is that a breakup is hard - whether it is a breakup between a man and a woman, two women, or two men - a message that is really important to me. And for me, I've been grasping onto the line "All the broken hearts in the world still beat / Let's not make it harder than it has to be." Something that reminds me to keep moving. My pain is fresh. Other people have pain. And the world keeps moving.