In my own head, I'm trying to heal as best I can, knowing it will take time.

watercolor of a sad young woman with brown hair
Image created via Midjourney

I've been doing ok, but I am very, very tired.

What seems to zap my energy the most is being caught off guard by something that makes me incredibly sad.  My therapist likened it to post-traumatic stress disorder — suddenly being transported back to the moment, or hitting a "trigger."  Sometimes it can be easily understood, sometimes it seems to be something so specific to me, and my memories and experiences.

Last night Ger and I were talking about our upcoming trip to the coulee to scatter her ashes beneath a tree and I was hit hard.  I started sobbing in a way that I haven't for several days and felt all of that physical hurt of my emotional pain come rushing back.

Then I had my follow-up OB/GYN appointment today, which I've been approaching with a mixture of anticipation and dread since it was scheduled.  I had dreams about the appointment last night, where I was transported back to the hospital and reliving the harshest moments over and over.  I think I even woke up during the night, then fell asleep again only to experience the same.  I approached the office with a huge lump in my throat.  As a minor consolation, since I had to see a specific doctor on a specific date, I had to go to a different office than I regularly visit so the setting was unfamiliar.  Going to the regular office probably would have been harder.  After I sat down, the receptionist came over and handed me a bill for $500 for prior services.  I wanted to say "way to be compassionate, thanks."

After all of the blood loss, whatever number the doctor was looking at is back where it needs to be — no anemia.  The doctor then took the time to review all of my test results.  No structure or chromosome problems with the baby - we somewhat already knew that.  And everything tested on me was fine also.  Nothing - no answers.  The doctor, not in a way lacking compassion, referred to it as a "fluke" - which I knew was a possibility.  He said it is a mixed blessing - if something had been found, they could have treated for it.  But also because nothing was found, it makes the likelihood of recurrence low (other than that something caused the issue that they are not "smart enough to test for" - to quote).

The doctor — one of my favorites in the practice, because of his easygoing manner — wanted to know how I was doing emotionally.  I told him I was seeing a therapist to help deal with the grief.  He was concerned about depression, but I told him I don't think I'm in a dark place.  In my own head, I'm trying to heal as best I can, knowing it will take time.  He made a similar reference to the "triggers" that my therapist had identified and I acknowledged that those moments are really hard.

I left feeling really drained and tears flowing and haven't really stopped crying.  One of my friends dropped off a bag of pumpkin goodies for me last night, so maybe a pumpkin spice salted caramel will cheer me up a bit.  And a long walk this afternoon.

Box of Pumpkin Spice Salted Caramels from Trader Joe's